Friday, February 19, 2010

Dear Tiger,




Dear Tiger Woods,

I just listened to your live press conference and was very moved by your sincerety. It took a big man to come forward and say the things that you said. On that note, I would also like to say that "Who gives a Fuck?" Last time I checked, you're Tiger fucking Woods and you can do whatever the fuck you want. Granted, I do feel bad for your wife, cause no woman deserves this kind of situation but at the same time, I believe it's an unspoken rule that when she married you, it was inplicit that you were gonna bang other chicks, no doubt in my mind. You probably banged like four or five chicks the night before your wedding. Also, I feel bad for your kids, not so much right now, or for the next five years or so, (cause they are like two and have no idea what is going on) but mostly when they are about 17 years old and really start to question their self image and who their dad really was. Then when they turn 20 or so you might as well come out and tell them that, "Kids, your dad was a man slut, worth billions of dollars and I slanged bitches like a columbian slangs kilos. Straight up." They should be ok with that answer because it's the truth.

Sincerely,
Doyle


Was anyone really that surprised that one of the most famous people in the world was unfaithful? I think most people were just surprised that he got caught. All that money and you couldn't afford two cell phones? One for business and family, one for skanks he's sleeping with. Hell, get a free gmail account and only give them your email. Grab a MSN instant messanger name. Anything. Shit ain't hard Tiger, figure it out. Listening to his statement though, I became somewhat angered for the first time over this whole thing. Historically speaking, wasn't it socially acceptable for really rich and powerful men to commit adultry? Not to say it was right, but I'm guessing that kings and tsars and ceasars and dukes and earls and princes and prime ministers and presidents and dictators, all had multiple women. At the very least one for each nut. Nobody said shit. So if anything, I don't care that Tiger did this, does this, or will continue to do this. He's accomplished more, made more money and banged more chicks than I could ever hope to do. So to that, I will raise my glass to Tiger tonight and salute a man who did what any man would have done in his situation. Instead of saying he was sorry, he should have came out, whipped his balls out, chugged a beer and said, "To all you haters out there, suck this dick and let a playa play. I'm out."




Two In The Shirt

Monday, February 8, 2010

Look At My Dick Denver



I awoke Sunday morning with Jon yelling, "I wasn't spooning you Eric, I was spooning this trout." It's gonna be a good day tater. Before I continue the story, I'm gonna issue a warning. The following contains explicit material and should be viewed by adults only. Also, it may or may not contain information regarding Justice's genitals.

As it turns out, the hypothesis for the effects of the Denver Drunk seemingly hold true. People, including myself, continue to have complete disregard for their fellow bar-members while drinking in a town which isn't their own. However, it sure makes for one hell of a night. Therefore I hope that this trend continues. I'm not really sure what even was happening for most of the night. Allegedly, 18 bottles of wine were disposed of. Good job girls. The guys really didn't have much in that department but did however consume quite a bit of whiskey, as always, and took advantage of the $4.00 PBRs at the Tavern. What a great fucking deal for a shitty ass beer! (if you can't find the sarcasm, look closer) Good god I'm glad I was wasted before I got there or it would have been one expensive evening. One of the last things I remember from the bars were the bouncers basically throwing our drunk asses out, being quite rude mind you, and then the stumble down the street to the place where I'll never be able to erase one of the most disturbing images I have ever seen. In between a combination of Pinot Grigio, Gin and Vodka, Justice found the time to stand up on the side of the hot tub and face his naked body outwards towards the street. He proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs, "Look at my dick Denver! Look at my dick!" Now, imagine you're sitting in the hot tub below him with his man junk swinging around and his overly pale and hairy ass next to you. Let it soak in. Now imaging taking a cattle prod and jamming it into your eye sockets. You will be thanking Jesus that it has blinded you and you will never be able to witness the horror which is naked Justice ever again. Amen. Note to self: next time you get Denver Drunk stay away from hot tubs with five dudes.



Basement Jaxx – Raindrops

Breakbot - Baby I’m Yours feat. Ifrane

DJ Stroke – Dangerous (RHCP vs. Busta Rhymes)


Two In The Shirt