On a Starry Night in November

Due to the on going nature of the case, I feel I'm not allowed to discuss the reasons I may or may have not ended up in a Denver Detox center this weekend, but, I will however discuss how much fun it was to be in detox for about 12 hours. Sometime around 9 at night I arrived at the facility. I was stripped of my belongings, (not my clothes, get your mind out of the gutter) and then was given a wrist band with my information on it. While this was happening, two things happened, 1. a man was trying to fight a bunch of cops and 2. another man puked or something and it got on man #1 which diverted his attention away from the police. Next I was given a blanket and a sheet and sent into a large room with about fifty beds in it and I was given bunk #9, which would also be my name for the next 12 hours. Now by beds, I mean a wooden cot with a grey plastic mat on it from the mid to late 1990's, resembling something you may find in an inner city gymnasium being used as shanty padding during a game of indoor soccer at a dilapidated elementary school. Got the picture? Good. Next I went over to the wall and made a collect phone call to a good friend which ended up costing him $9.99, and thankfully he accepted. Near the phones was a tv in a plastic box and Three Kings starring George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg and Ice Cube was starting and I watched the first couple minutes because to be honest I've never seen the movie in it's entirety even though I enjoy it every time I catch it halfway through on TNT. It's usually around the part where Marky Mark is getting torchered and they are pouring oil in his mouth and then later Clooney starts freaking out at the other US Army officer when Wahlberg starts to choke on his own blood cause the ghetto rig breathing tube coming out of his throat is too full and he can't breath. Also there is some sort of sex scene in the beginning with Clooney and a reporter or something which I was unaware of but like I said, I've never seen the beginning so sue me. But I regress...

I then went over to bed #9 and scouted out my surroundings. The closest man to me was in bed #11 or bed #7 but bed #7 was across from me and not next to me so I felt I could keep a better eye on that guy in case he tried to kill me. Plus it was lower than my bunk which also may have given me the advantage. However, in bed #11 was a man who I'm gonna call Shamus because he looked like a Shamus. I'm not sure what he called me but like I said I was known as #9 so it doesn't really matter. Now Shamus, was a journey man of sorts in the sense that he had taken a long journey down the crazy transient hobo road that he was completely lost in a world of soup kitchens, bus stop sleep overs and funny road sides in order to secure enough change for the nightly blackout that he wasn't coming back soon. Shamus was the type of bum that I like to describe as the crazy grumbling bum. This type of bum is usually seen on the bus or other type of public transportation and no one really wants to sit next to him but someone eventually does cause they have their headphones in and don't realize it until their ipod runs out of batteries and then it's too late, or in my case my bed was the closest to his and it was also too late. Secondary note: I don't care if bum or hobo is not politically correct, this is America,they were fucking bums, go to hell. I felt my only real threat of being accosted in the middle of the night was from Shamus so my attention was on him most of the time. However distractions occurred from time to time, as in thrice actually, one guy pissed himself standing up and another was lying down in his own urine and the other distraction was a 18 year old crying hysterically. I was gonna go talk to him and tell him to chill out but before I could he started ripping off his clothes and freaking out and had to be removed to the quiet room. This has all occurred within only about an hour of me being there so I had quite the night ahead of me. Luckily when I eventually ended up going to sleep, Shamus didnt creep up behind me and shank me with a widdled down tooth brush or something and lucky nobody peeed on me. I ended up opting out of breakfast at 7:oo in the morning which was fine with me cause it gave me time to watch another man freakout and yell at one of the nurses and he also had to go to the quiet room. Fun time.

Kastra – One Illmerica (Swedish House Mafia vs. Wolfgang Gartner)

Beastie Boys – Sabotage (Alex Metric Re-Edit)

24:1 odds

Dear Self,
If you would have told me 10 years ago that one day I would be standing on a porch drinking a Smirnoff Ice making a cooler out of a rusted out shopping cart with zip ties and other stolen goods at the ripe age of 24, I would have told you to go have intercourse with yourself. However, if I had the chance to interview myself ten years ago and I could express to you all my goals and aspirations then this would be a different blog and most certainly a different topic. Blessed with the power of hindsight here is something I may have written myself years ago:
Dear Self,
Congrats on making it to the 8th grade! It's not that 7th grade was all that hard or anything but still.... mad props. This is a letter that will be sent to you in the future and hopefully all the things you have hoped to accomplish by your age have come true and this letter will be a mere reminder of the amazing feats you have achieved. In ten years, at the age of 24, you should by now be well established among your contemporaries in the field of education you pursue.....

Instead the reality of the situation is much different, which is possibly the same situation you may find yourself in at the current time. Can anyone really look back and say that on this day, (whatever the date is you read this), this is what you had planned on doing 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 months ago, last Thursday night? Ok maybe you knew what you were gonna do today last Thursday but the point I'm trying to make is that the dirty 12 to 6 curve that life just threw you is gonna make you whiff more times than not and maybe even just leaving you leaning away from the pitch so it doesn't hit you in the dome, but then it drops in for a strike. The only silver lining I can take from all this is that there is always another pitch, and even if you strike out, you get up to bat at least 3 or four more times before the game is over. I mean, a .300 batting average is good so one out of three ain't bad.

Zagat Denver

This happened to blow my mind when I looked it up because I always thought that a Zagat rating system existed for the city of Denver. To my disbelief there was no such publication on the city of Denver (however they do have one for Long Island so if you like either really rich places to go or even trashier people than those on Jersey Shore check that shit out.) Because of this, I've decided to start the first couple chapters of it and then maybe some random Zagat empolyee will google search "zagat denver" and come across this stupid fucking blog and give me a job. FInally all this bull shit will pay off!ANYWAY... I wrote this a couple weeks ago but since we just got internet and moved out of the Bronze age I'm gonna post it. Oh and it seems like things are finally picking up again in the world of me and others so maybe i'll have something to write about. Feel free to do something crazy so I can exploit it to the world and you'll be famous forever.

So after moving down to Mexico… sorry, I mean West Colfax we’ve come across some pretty stellar places to eat so I’m submitting this as a new chapter to the Zagat’s guide to Denver Restaurants titled, “Order numero 83, smothered with a side of toilet paper.”

Literally right down Newton St on Colfax is the first place on our stop “Taqueria Mexico.” The best thing on the menu so far is probably the gigantic breakfast burrito you can get for $5 and it’s filled with corrizo, eggs, potato and enough cheese and chile to choke a small Mexican, which undoubtedly has probably happened before. Other notable items are the tortilla burger, and any of the combo plates which are anywhere from $6-7 bucks and is just an absurd amount of food. Oh and they give you chips and salsa too, the salsa being pretty damn hot but after a bowl or two your mouth goes numb so you can’t tell. Don’t forget to grab some helado on your way out. They have a cooler by the cashier with a bunch of crazy flavors with some stuff you don’t even wanna try but maybe it’s worth a shot. Fuck, you’re gonna be on the toilet anyway so I wouldn’t really worry about it. Rating: 8 out of 10

The next place is “Los Mesones” which is on something like Mead and Colfax? In any case, if you’re near our house it’s right by Taqeria Mexico so you can’t miss it. On the window is a advertisement for 99 cent tacos!! However, the only problem with that is that the 99 cent tacos are liver tacos. Gracias but I’m gonna stick with maybe some asada or pollo which are only $1.49 or something. Anyway, me and matt had the enchiladas which were solid, so this is gonna be my enchilada recommendation. Rating: 7 out of 10

It reminded me of this place called “Tacos y Salsas” on Kennedy and Federal (but this is only the biggest one, there are like 4 different ones on federal.) The entire menu at this place is in Spanish so brush up on your espanol before entering. Actually, maybe brush up on your Spanish before going to any of these places because you might end up ordering some crazy nasty shit and going home disappointed. Back to tacos y salsas though, the tacos are super basic and they have a salsa bar that you get all your condiments from so when they bring the chips to your table don’t act like an idiot like me and schranck did and stare awkwardly around the place looking for salsa. It’s right by the fucking door! Jesh! But I’m gonna go ahead and recommend any of the tacos and then the gorditas which are pretty big but stuffed with meat and cheese so totally worth it. Cheap as all hell too. Rating : 8 out of 10

Finally we’re gonna go with some more traditional places, the first being “Bubba Chinos” which are all over town but the main one is on federal and then Grandpa’s Burgers which is right down on federal, south of Colfax, too. Bubba Chinos is just a burrito place and it’s pretty basic, pick your meat, pick whether you want cheese or chili in it or go smothered and that’s it. Oh and if you get lucky while you’re there, the guy selling “kicks” might show up and you can grab yourself a pair of jordans with your lunch. What a deal! Rating: 5 out of 10 or 9 out of 10 (depending on the amount of toilet paper you need to use afterwards)

On your knee bitch

Long time no see. The one thing I was gonna write about I don't think I'm gonna write about so don't get excited. However, there is a new phenomenon that isn't actually that new cause i've heard stories of people playing it many a month ago... like eight months ago and that's only one person so don't think this is that original or anything but we'll try. Today I've been presented with 72 ounces of Smirnoff Ice. I've been iced, 3 times to be exact and then i was counter iced when i presented dameworth with a 24oz bomber. For those who don't know or don't play, simple set of rules:
1. You have to accept to play the game. If not then the rest of this need not apply to you.
2. If you choose to accept the game then you are now venerable to be presented with an ice at any point of the day and you must drink the ice on one knee if presented. The presenter is allowed to tell the ice-ie to "get on you knee bitch" but refer to rule 4 for proper format.
3. If the ice-ie is able to produce their own ice within one step of their current postition then the ice-er is given the "counter ice" and then has to drink both ices. Again, refer to rule 4 for proper format.
4. "Bros icing bros" is a gentlemen's game and should be played as such. Granted you are allowed to ice anybody at your own leisure but it should be taken with a grain of salt because i'd watch your shit if I was you if you. Eventually, someones gonna get you bad, and if it's like a saturday when you have nothing to do and to counter ices then you're gonna have a rough day. However, the best part is that if somebody refuses an ice after accepting the invitation then they are excluded from the game forever. They are unable to ice or be iced, a major problem if you wanna prove yourself in the game of "bros icing bros".

Like I said, this is no where near original publication of the rules or whatnot but just a general overview of what to expect in the future. As far as i can tell the game was created for fun but it has become more than a game at this point and will most likely continue until someone has taken it too far and either someone dies via drunk driving because of icing or someone loses a job.. or a limb, whichever is more important to you.

This is a good example of a sneak ice attack:

Dear Diary.... Part 1

In light of graduation and whatnot, I've decided to take account of what I've done in the last five years. I've done things I've never dreamed of doing, I've seen things I've never dreamed of seeing, and mostly I've drank things I've never dreamed of drinking. However, throughout the years I seemingly forgot to keep a list of the things I have done so in any case I will attempt to recreate a diary of the last five years. Dates, names and actual series of events may be altered but my memory will try and serve me as best as possible.

*Warning - This is a multiple part entry and this is the first of the series. This blog gets pretty fucking long, but I'd like to see you condense five years into anything shorter! jerks.....

August 26, 2005

Dear Diary,

Today is my first day of college! Just got all my shit moved into this dorm room and while I was trying to get my clothes hamper into the top of my closet the handle of tequilla I had fell out and my dad saw it. The only thing he said was "be careful with that shit," and he left it at that. Haven't met anyone yet really except for my roommate who may or may not be a homo, not too sure yet. Well I'm gonna go up to those Jack Jake and Jon's rooms now and hopefully scheme on as many chicks as possible on my way up.

August 27, 2005

Dear Diary,

Just woke up. We were supposed to do a bunch of team building shit with the rest of the hall and then go do this gay picture thing but my face hurts from all the tequilla so i've opted out. Met some people last night. One guy ran in and said he got a blow job in the stair well. gonna be a sweet year I think. Also, had my first bout with the dining hall and also my first fight with the toilet. also gonna be a long year with that one.

September 4, 2005

Dear Diary,
First birthday of college but I drank myself into a damn near comma yesterday so we'll see what happens. We played CU for the first time in football and almost won but that douche crosby had to kick a 48 yarder for the win. Maybe next year. Anyway me jake and dave finished a whole handle of tequilla and then went out partyin. We hit up a house somewhere on elizabeth and then went and partied with some older guys from Durango. Good times, got home around 3 or 4 not really sure.

October 29, 2005

Dear Diary,
Halloween is awesome in college. It's basically an excuse for everybody to look like an idiot and for girls to dress like sluts. totally sweet. however the night did not end as well as it started. After chugging a couple cups of beer over at that house on the corner of laurel and shields we and dameworth ran across the street. I then proceeded to vomit behind a electrical box as soon as we got back onto campus and when we turned the corner to cops were standing there with their flashlights on. awesome. at least the best part was that they took a picture of us and then dameworth proceeded to tell them that our court date wasn't gonna work because of Hanukkah. Smooth. By the way, Dameworth isn't Jewish.

January 1, 2006

Dear Diary,
Last night was a fucking crap shoot. Two kegs, dozen handles, case of champagne and every person in Durango I've ever drank with. Cheers to Box, Beach and Kieth for hosting such a shindig. We just ate breakfast, tried to go to the Diner but they aren't open on New Years Day because everyone that works there is a drunk and they like the day off as much as the rest of us. Justice just puked outside my car the second we left Oscars. Gonna be a good year.

March 20, 2006

Dear Diary,
Just got back from spring break. I'm suffering severe alcohol withdrawals. I can't sleep and my stomach can't handle anything but rice crispies. Found out some interesting stuff about Jake during the trip. Nothing worth repeating in good company. From the time I left Fort Collins last Friday night til we got into the city of San Diego it snowed or rained the entire time. Needless to say we didn't get ot go to Tijuana but Rosarito was sweet nonetheless. To summarize, condo was awesome, almost blew jacks hand off with a M-1000, beer bongs make friends, and sling blade in spanish is hilarious. I hope to god I never go back to that shit hole.


May 18, 2006

Dear Diary,

Pops just picked me up from school and I just got home. Turns out JC and duvall got a house. Fuckin sweet. Just what I needed too. A place to continue drinking all summer long. Thunderdome Ho!
June 3, 2006

Dear Diary,
Just got back from Navajo from camping there last night only to refuel with more beer and food. We camped right near this cliff face so we are gonna try and move so no drunk chicks walk off of it in the middle of the night cause that sounds like something a stupid drunk chick would do.

June 4, 2006

Dear Diary,
Some drunk chick named Kiernan walked off the cliff last night. Broken T6 T7 vertebra. Awesome. gonna be a good summer.

August 17, 2006

Dear Diary,
We moved back up to Fort Collins today and got all of our shit unpacked. Fuckin stoked to have a house of our own to actually throw a party and drink without getting harassed by RA's. I doubt we'll get any problems from the cops too cause this neighborhood seems pretty chill. Plus the one lady next to us is about a hundred so she doesn't even know what a phone is.

August, 20 2006

Dear Diary,

Fuckin cops. Me and Justice just got underages while we were walking home. I should have been less responsible and driven home. they would have never seen that coming. Anyway, this will be the last time we have to deal with the cops.

September 10, 2006

Dear Diary,

Rams beat the buffs at Invesco, 14-10. Suck it Ralphie.

September 16, 2006

Dear Diary,
Fuckin cops. We just got our first noise violation. I guess blasting music late into the evening with gobs of people hanging out in the backyard aren't good materials for a successful party. Hopefully this will be the last time we have to deal with the cops.

October 29, 2006

Dear Diary,
Fuckin COPS!! Halloween was a total success but good jesus! WE CAN'T GET AWAY WITH SHIT! However for some reason this ticket is actually less than the first one. Go fig.

December 2, 2006

Dear Diary,
No cops but other problems occurred at the first annual sweater party. To recount, some chick shit her pants. Yes, some chick actuall shit herself. She went from puking off the back porch to falling into the bathroom, to destroying the bathroom, to falling into the living room/middle of the party with shit on the back of her pants. It's just puke her friends said. Well if it was just puke than why does it look and smell like shit? Also, Justice's car got egged, hilarious, the gate to the backyard got ripped off the hinges, the water to both the sink and toilet were shut off, for some odd reason, and they are both clogged and packed with vomit, none of which is anyone that can remember anything. After a couple of bottles of drain-o the party was a success I would say.


January 12, 2007

Dear Diary,
Chase moved in today. I guess his lanky ass couldn't take any more date rape/arab kid hallway rave parties at bear creek. Sweet night though. Little does he know that those parties also occur at our house.


March 21, 2007

Dear Diary,
For some reason we decided to go back to Rosarito. However this time included actually going to Tijuana. In hindsight a poor life choice. After our Taxi back to the border was pulled over by the cops and we were searched for drugs while Justice is yelling "No Drogas" over and over even though they speak perfect english, we throw 8 bucks at the driver and book it because we told him we were gonna pay him $30 but $8 was all we could muster. While at full sprint, Chase turns and violent vomits about 30 feet from the customs checkpoint. This is proceeded by an hour of Dameworth and Chase puking in the bathroom together while Dave tried to fight Justice cause he thought we left him behind but in actuality we was trailing us by leff than half a block the entire time. Rosarito once again proves to be one of the worst place on the planet to party mainly because it has $5 all you can drink places aka Devil Band Bar. KAMIKAZES!!!

August 6, 2007

Dear Diary,
Last night was Fuller's 21st birthday but it was also a celebration of sorts for Justice and Josh since it was the first time they could all do it together. After drinking here until midnight, the three of them headed out to the bars where they proceed to get hammered. However, Justice decided to get entirely more drunk than everybody else and went on a vomit rampage in the Silver Mine bathroom, that is until Jess came in and yelled at him to get in the car. They pulled up outside the house with Justice's head out the window and we proceeded to molest him in the front yard while he puked his brains out. Then Matt fell down the stairs. Don't worry, he just laughed the pain away.

United States of Bureaucracy

After two solid days of working as a federal employee, I already have multiple observations on the system that is being run. Let me just describe what I have learned so far and then I'll go into how the rest of the trainees are progressing.

We clock in using a D-308 time sheet. It's a carbon copy type of time-sheet with us, the employees, keeping the bottom carbon copy at the end of the day with our Crew Leader taking the original copy to the LCO (local office) at either the end of the day or early sometime the next day. My job as a NRFU Enumerator is to use the given Assignment Area Binder (AA) to go into the field and visit each Housing Unit (HU), usually by following the Address List with the given Map Spot No. and corresponding House No. found in columns six and seven of the Address List in the AA. With each HU, a follow up Enumberator Questionnaire must be filled out starting with contacting the resident of the house which will either be the Respondent or, as in most cases, it will be the Reference Person. In some cases a proxy may be used in order to obtain information to fill out the Enumerator Questionnaire, also known as form D-1E. If someone is contacted, question S1 should be asked, and if answered Yes, the appropriate box should be marked with an X with the enumerator moving on the question S2. This is where it gets tricky. If the respondent or reference person answers yes to question S2, the enumerator should move on to S3, however, if the respondent or reference person answers no, the enumerator should skip to question S4.................. Gwaaaddddd.
In any case, after the interview, the record of contact section on the front page needs to be appropriately filled out with the time, date and outcome of the interview. These are two letter corresponding codes with either, NV = left notice of visit, NC = no contact, RE = refusal, CI = conducted interview and finally OT = other. This process continues for a few more pages.

Here's how the class is progressing...
Dennis can't differentiate between which questions to skip and not skip so he just asks them all. Maybe he just likes to read.
Dudley, as far as I can tell, is one hundred and four years old today!!! Janice brought us brownies. (No joke. Some lady brought brownies today.) He has two hearing aides and can't hear numbers very well. Needless to say there are a lot of repeats during class. Happy suck it, fuck you Dudley!
Mark, god bless him, is as dumb as a brick. For the most part, he struggles with the question skipping, but also has trouble remembering to flip back to the front page at the end of the interview to fill out the record of contact and THEN flip back to the last page in order to sign his name and date the D-1E paper work.
Jennifer has done this before so she just texts the whole time and keeps getting called on but not knowing where we are so she has to catch up. By the Way Jen, sweatpants do not count as business casual clothing, just a heads up for your next job.
Steve can't remember to mark down in the Address list the status codes and date, found in columns two and three. Mostly he can't remember the three letters we use and what they mean. Here they are - O = occupant, V = vacant and finally the hardest D = deleting.
Janice... well Janice brought the brownies so she's cool. She also spent half of the day yesterday doing a piece of needle point as a present for her brother's birthday that's coming up. Just what a grown man needs, a piece of needle point art to hang in his house. Oh and Janice, you fucked up on charlie browns shirt, he's supposed to be wearing yellow and Lucy's shirt is blue. You have them backwards. Boy, is your brother gonna be pissed.
Vierva is some sort of Scandinavian woman and is mainly concerned with how to label the ethnicity of people without offending them. Here's a rule of thumb: a mexican is mexican. Boom.
Marion and Hedi both have trouble distinguishing between a reference person and a respondent. Ladies, the difference is that one owns the house and one is just someone that lives in the house, not the owner, but still lives in the house. Jeeesh...
Finally we come to Wendy who, like Jennifer, has done this before and her main advice for new comers was to put a piece of tape on the top of our name tags so they don't get ripped off or maybe just put them in a plastic bag so they don't get ruined.

Meanwhile, I have been dead for about five and a half hours now because I've jammed all the un-sharpened pencils, found in kit G-6, into my eye sockets. Right around the shit storm of a conversation brought up between Wendy and Mark about "how to label a trans-gender person because there are only spots to put an x for Male and Female" followed by Dudley's comment on how "you don't know what you're gonna find these days," I lost my mind and began pulling my hair out and screaming. Then, when Orion, the Assistant Crew Leader, asked the question about the morality of defining a person as Mexican or some part of Ancient Aztec Indian Tribe, I worked the first pencil deep into my left eye socket and finished it off by slamming my face into the piano that sits behind me. The final straw came when Steve asked what we do if someone answers the door and then "punches us on the face." I finished off the pencils and then pulled the tiny pencil sharpener out of Kit G-6 and removed the razor from it. I slowly slit my neck for the remaining two hours and then clocked myself out at 4:30 using the D-308 paperwork. They just left me there and said "see you tomorrow!" But I guess that's just one of the perks when working for the government.

Peanuts and Cracker Jacks

When I walked out of Rocky Mountain Bagel at 9:54 a.m., it was snowing. But then again, what else would you expect for the opening day of Major League Baseball?

Good Jesus! I love baseball and in order to quell the half chub in my pants I'm gonna talk about all the great things in baseball. Some of these are personal experiences but in general, if you are a fan of the game, you'll understand.

Speaking as a spectator, baseball is one of those sports that's long enough so that you really don't have to pay attention the entire time and you'll still understand what's going on at the end. Nine innings usually lasts a good amount of time so if you need to miss the first inning or two whilst slamming beers in the parking lot, you'll be ok when you come in during the top of the third and it's still 0-0. It's probably gonna go 13 innings anyway, with a walk off grand slam and they stop selling beers in the 7th so you're gonna need those extra couple. Baseball is one of those sports that it doesn't really matter that much where you watch it from in the stadium. Granted, sitting 10 rows behind the plate and watching Holliday slide face first into the dirt and fucking his shit up is a better vantage point than the rock pile, but in general, it's still a seat and I'm just pumped to be in the park at all. Speaking of the rock pile, has there ever been a better $4 seat? Doubt it. Baseball is also the only sport where it's cool to stand on the pavilion and hang out while still watching the game. Plus it's also pretty easy to steal beers in that area. Just sayin'.

Basically, I can't wait to spend the next seven months watching baseball. I can't wait to drink $6 Coors Light. I can't wait for a foul ball to get hit in the general direction of where I'm sitting and my heart jumps in the hopes of getting another. (ya that's right, caught it off the third baseline second deck. Boom.) I can't wait to hear the 14 second clip of music before each batter and then when I hear it later all I want to do is watch baseball. I can't wait to drink the all-you-can drink special at Jackson's after the game and blackout by midnight. I can't wait for some rookie to blow everybody's fucking mind and have the best season of his life and then probably tear an ACL in September and we'll never see him again. Sorry kid. I can't wait to sneak onto the field and watch the fireworks while watching some lady pick up the sun flower seed shells that Matt Holliday had been chewing. (Seriously happened.) I can't wait for the last week in September when all the teams on the edge are fighting for the wild card. I can't wait to go to playoff games and either watch A-Rod hit a three run jack in the bottom of the ninth or blackout in the eighth during game 3 because I've been drinking schnapps with hot chocolate all night. I can't wait to watch the fly over opening day. (Probably gonna tear up, no joke.) I can't wait to spend 4 hours at a time watching America's past time, my past time, our past time, just to find out that it's hard to come back from six runs down in the seventh. That's why there's 162 games. I can't wait for the walk-offs, the near perfect games, the doubles stretched into triples for the cycle, bases loaded strikeouts, double steals, squeeze bunts, and bottom of the ninth two on, two outs, two strike saves. I can't wait to spend another year of my life absolutely loving baseball.

SB10

Day one: It is a cold morning. The kind of cold that only a Colorado spring can hold. However, the dawn is near. What is to come is a mystery. However, if they only knew what was to come. If they only knew. Famous last words.

This blog won't be the story ridden tale that you may be hoping for. "Seeing is believing" is basically all I can say and if you weren't there, then most of the things I would write about, you would either not understand, find comical or believe. I can however give a brief synopsis before a brief analysis. Here's a list of things that happened/ I learned:
1. Saw the sun rise 3 1/2 times. The half is because I'm not sure if it was the skyline of Austin or the sun. Either way, it was bright.
2. Full frontal male nudity. Whole lot of it too. Two rules to live by on spring break, it's not gay if your not and it's not gay if you shut your eyes. Enough said.
3. Boobs for anything flies in South Padre. This can include, beads,beers,frisbees,footballs, the mere idea of beads or maybe even a jaunty tale of lore. Like I said, anything.
4. Chevy Aveo's suck ass.
5. There should be a warning on boxes of Keystone Light that say Warning: may lead to severe sunburn, lack of inhibition, drunken hot tub experiences, and more Keystone.
6. I'm not proud of it but, I've never stolen more stuff from a series of gas stations. Sorry to the Stripes/Valero cooperation. Checks in the mail.
7. Dance, Dance, Dance, Awesome.



In every sense of the word spring break, South Padre Island defines it. Loads of college kids,partying on a beach listening to loud dance music and actin' a fool. Everybody has perfect fist pump form. There is fifty port-a-potties and people are still peeing on the beach, or at least in the ocean right next to the church group baptizing people in the peepee water. People are puking on themselves, bleeding on themselves, and are wearing anything that draws attention to them while holding a beer bong filled to the brim with some jug of red stuff that's more than likely roofied. It's four years of college jammed onto one strip of beach. I would almost say that it's a "must see" attraction but I think if you just drank yourself into a blackout while in a tanning bed listening to Ke$ha it would be the same effect. Maybe less vomit. At least I know that when my kids want to go down there for spring break I'll have the knowledge that I may never see them again, at least not the little angels they were when they left. There is one more thing I've learned in the past week. I've never been so happy to return to work, school or a cold Colorado. Being exposed to too much partying is poor for your health and it really puts things in perspective. I've also learned that you better enjoy the company that you are around when you have a trip like that because if you don't, you're gonna be wanted for multiple homicides in the state of Texas. So a final cheers to the final college spring break,

Bring it up.....

Sharam – Patt (Party All The Time)

LMFAO x Mujave Shots Remix (Universal Exports Mashup)

Ke$ha – Blah Blah Blah (Redlight Remix)

Peace up, A town down.

I've been listening to really bad music lately. Not because music in general has been bad lately but because I've been submitting myself to situations where I'm subject to poor music quality. I think we can all agree, that no matter how much you may love to nod your head like yeah and move your hips like yeah, it's generally bad music. Moving on from Miley is Ke$ha, who by all accounts is a self acclaimed boozed up whore, At the same time she is just the slutty-er, non-Disney version of Hannah Montana. Also she has a dollar sign in her name, which I think stands for "$he'll probably swallow." Her song blah blah blah, is a club favorite and is fist-pump-tastic but it's a song about how she doesn't care what you have to say and she just wants to bone in the back of the club. Maybe not the best music to submit your 12 year old to when you let her watch whatever she wants on tv. Just sayin. However, it's not just the ladies. Jason Derulo (In My head), Jay Sean (Down), Young Money (Bedrock) and more are equally guilty. Since the advent of auto-tune, (which I'm not totally knocking cause some of it's sweet), every hit single on the radio involves a guy with an auto-tune chorus trying to copy what Usher did in 2004 with the most epic club hit/epitome of dance music song, "Yeah!" Will everybody just back the fuck up off Usher for one minute? No one will ever top the greatest dance song of all time because it's like going back in time and killing your father before he's had time to do the deed. You would not exist without your father's seed and they would not exist without the likes of Usher.

In retrospect however, I'm not sure if I can tell if radio music was any worse when we were kids. Is Hit me baby one more time any better than Telephone? Or is Bye Bye Bye any worse than Carryout? (Which ironically still has my boy JT on the track.) I guess if I had to make any sense of this, it would be that Smash mouth's All-Star is really no different from IYAZ's Replay which is sad but at the same time maybe just proving that the more things change the more things stay the same.

DD2

Long story short, I ended up in a sauna at a golf course and getting eucalyptus oil sprayed in my eyes. Now for the grimy details.
I was duped into getting Denver drunk because Jon said he would buy me Emergen-c and a box wine if I didn't stay home. Helluva deal. I was further persuaded with box seats to the Avs game and since everyone seems to have half chub in their pants over hockey because of the olympics I figured that I might as well hop on the wagon. Game ended up with a penalty shot, open net goal and a hat-trick. Woe as me, what a shitty hockey game. This trip also gave us the chance to see where we will be moving this summer. Within about block of the house is Colfax, with a McDonalds, 7/11 and strip club. Here is a few of my favorite things: McGriddles, Slushies, Titties. This is either going to be a really good relationship or extremely detrimental to my health. The rest of the night was filled with overpriced drinks, disco balls, techno and hanging around a bunch of people that wanted to be on Jersey Shore but didn't make the cut, which means they lost to a person named Snooki, think about that for a minute. However I did get really good at my fist pumping, so not a total loss. Eric ends up sleeping on a all denim couch, which I can't even believe that a company went out and designed an all denim couch but that's the plan they stuck with I guess. Sunday began with a shot of Cuervo around ten in the morning and finished with box wine around ten at night so all in all it was a good day. Hopefully someday I'll look back on all this and laugh but I find it more likely that it'll be more along the lines of telling it to my psychiatrist at a rehab clinic and him diagnosing me as clinically insane. I'm good either way.

Beach Boys - Wouldn’t It Be Nice (TheGirlsCanHearUs! Remix)

Calvin Harris - Stars Come Out (Rektchordz mix)

Pance Party - Kim Jung Thrill Teaser

Bull named Fu manchu

When asked the question, "What if this were your last day to live?" the obvious answers are easy. Steal a car, rob a bank, spend as much money as you could in a 24 hour period, high jack a bar, make out with the nearest cougar, and run from the cops until your eventual death, most likely a firery blaze off a cliff. Like I said easy. The hard answer is skipping over the easy details and trying to decide who you would want to spend those last precious moments of life with. How do you decide the few people who will witness your demise when your life touches so many? What separates them from the rest? Why are they special? Does that mean the others don't mean as much to you or is it more of a proximity problem and the clock is ticking? Could go either way. Do you go the family oriented version and spend it with your parents? Would you tell them this is it for you? Or maybe just spend that extra time appreciating everything they've done for you and say an extra goodbye? You could pick a certain group of friends and go the same way, but then again it might mean a little more to them if you came out and said,"there will be no more after this." A third option would be to go stag and just hang out with a bunch of crazy strangers and leave a note for everyone to read, or leave it as a complete mystery and leave those who care an endless guessing game as to how that last day transpired.

Fourth Option.
Maybe instead of waiting for that last day to come we start treating each coming day with they same attitude as to who matters most in this world to us. Maybe save the robbing of banks and high speed chases for that actual last day because by that point, everyone that matters in your life will already know that you cared and appreciated the friendships and memories you were able to make. You won't have to wait and slam them all together at once. However, you can take the time you do have to reach out and say hi to those who matter, those you want to remember you as a good friend, son, daughter, man, person.
Fuck the cars.
Fuck the cougars.
Fuck the blaze of glory.

Appreciate it. Live for those who matter.


Ellie Goulding - I'll Hold My Breath

Sugar Tongue Slim – “In For The Kill”

Ellie Goulding – Starry Eyed (Penguin Prison Remix ft. Theophilus London)

Dear Tiger,

Dear Tiger Woods,

I just listened to your live press conference and was very moved by your sincerety. It took a big man to come forward and say the things that you said. On that note, I would also like to say that "Who gives a Fuck?" Last time I checked, you're Tiger fucking Woods and you can do whatever the fuck you want. Granted, I do feel bad for your wife, cause no woman deserves this kind of situation but at the same time, I believe it's an unspoken rule that when she married you, it was inplicit that you were gonna bang other chicks, no doubt in my mind. You probably banged like four or five chicks the night before your wedding. Also, I feel bad for your kids, not so much right now, or for the next five years or so, (cause they are like two and have no idea what is going on) but mostly when they are about 17 years old and really start to question their self image and who their dad really was. Then when they turn 20 or so you might as well come out and tell them that, "Kids, your dad was a man slut, worth billions of dollars and I slanged bitches like a columbian slangs kilos. Straight up." They should be ok with that answer because it's the truth.

Sincerely,
Doyle


Was anyone really that surprised that one of the most famous people in the world was unfaithful? I think most people were just surprised that he got caught. All that money and you couldn't afford two cell phones? One for business and family, one for skanks he's sleeping with. Hell, get a free gmail account and only give them your email. Grab a MSN instant messanger name. Anything. Shit ain't hard Tiger, figure it out. Listening to his statement though, I became somewhat angered for the first time over this whole thing. Historically speaking, wasn't it socially acceptable for really rich and powerful men to commit adultry? Not to say it was right, but I'm guessing that kings and tsars and ceasars and dukes and earls and princes and prime ministers and presidents and dictators, all had multiple women. At the very least one for each nut. Nobody said shit. So if anything, I don't care that Tiger did this, does this, or will continue to do this. He's accomplished more, made more money and banged more chicks than I could ever hope to do. So to that, I will raise my glass to Tiger tonight and salute a man who did what any man would have done in his situation. Instead of saying he was sorry, he should have came out, whipped his balls out, chugged a beer and said, "To all you haters out there, suck this dick and let a playa play. I'm out."

Look At My Dick Denver

I awoke Sunday morning with Jon yelling, "I wasn't spooning you Eric, I was spooning this trout." It's gonna be a good day tater. Before I continue the story, I'm gonna issue a warning. The following contains explicit material and should be viewed by adults only. Also, it may or may not contain information regarding Justice's genitals.

As it turns out, the hypothesis for the effects of the Denver Drunk seemingly hold true. People, including myself, continue to have complete disregard for their fellow bar-members while drinking in a town which isn't their own. However, it sure makes for one hell of a night. Therefore I hope that this trend continues. I'm not really sure what even was happening for most of the night. Allegedly, 18 bottles of wine were disposed of. Good job girls. The guys really didn't have much in that department but did however consume quite a bit of whiskey, as always, and took advantage of the $4.00 PBRs at the Tavern. What a great fucking deal for a shitty ass beer! (if you can't find the sarcasm, look closer) Good god I'm glad I was wasted before I got there or it would have been one expensive evening. One of the last things I remember from the bars were the bouncers basically throwing our drunk asses out, being quite rude mind you, and then the stumble down the street to the place where I'll never be able to erase one of the most disturbing images I have ever seen. In between a combination of Pinot Grigio, Gin and Vodka, Justice found the time to stand up on the side of the hot tub and face his naked body outwards towards the street. He proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs, "Look at my dick Denver! Look at my dick!" Now, imagine you're sitting in the hot tub below him with his man junk swinging around and his overly pale and hairy ass next to you. Let it soak in. Now imaging taking a cattle prod and jamming it into your eye sockets. You will be thanking Jesus that it has blinded you and you will never be able to witness the horror which is naked Justice ever again. Amen. Note to self: next time you get Denver Drunk stay away from hot tubs with five dudes.



Basement Jaxx – Raindrops

Breakbot - Baby I’m Yours feat. Ifrane

DJ Stroke – Dangerous (RHCP vs. Busta Rhymes)

W.W.E.W.D. - What Would Evan Williams Do.

I woke up today and my legs hurt because of how hungover I was. I'm not sure if it was the result of something I did while being drunk or if it was because I was having poor blood flow and my leg muscles were not getting the proper amount of blood. But then my neck really hurt too which could have very well been from getting hit by a car or something crazy so I couldn't rule out the possibility that during the process of getting shit canned and blacked out Saturday I was possibly hit with a large object or fell down a flight of stairs. Then Jack reminded me about the WWE cage match we had in my room for about ten minutes after about four Bloody Marys and a couple double whiskey and cokes which is probably the reason for the body pains. One mystery solved. Sherlock Holmes would be proud. The next problem to be solved would be how and why I ended up in the situation I was in at the end of the night. Scene: Eric is driving Eric Carlson's truck. It's two in the morning and I'm pretty sure that even though Eric said he was good to drive, I'm thinking that it was probably not the safest decision. But like I said, it's two in the morning and the bus doesn't run that late. What were we supposed to do? Walk? I've been drinking since breakfast, not happening. There are two women in the car and I'm not really sure who they are cause I just came out of a brief blackout and I'm pretty lost. One of them lives at the corner of East Jesus Ave. and the middle of fucking Loveland almost so this ride has been going on for a while. She goes to get out of the truck and makes a comment along the lines of "Well, I guess I'll be going to bed alone tonight." The three of us are all thinking the same thing. "Ya you are, now get your 29 year old fat ass out the god damn truck so I can get some fucking sleep." Needless to say I also went home empty handed but at least I wasn't complaining about it. I was balls deep with Evan Williams anyway and he always gets mad when I try and bring other people into our relationship. But what can I say? The guy gets me through some tough times and we wouldn't be able to party our dicks off without him. So here's to you EW. The finest charcoal filtered genuine sour mash.


Groove Armada – Paper Romance (Urchins Remix)

Timbaland ft. Katy Perry – If We Ever Meet Again (Chew Fu Remix)

The Whitest Boy Alive - Golden Cage (Fred Falke Remix)

Road Beers

Have you ever been so hammered that you half expect an intervention to be outside your door when you wake up in the morning? Your mom is sitting in a chair with a book of pictures from when you are a kid and your dad looks as though he's about to choke you out. Plus there is like three people that haven't talked to you in years because of your relationship with Evan Williams and Jose. Intervention: College Version, on A&E, weeknights 7, 6 central. New episodes coming this spring. It's been a while since the last entry so this might be a little bit of a catch up deal. Feel free to skip ahead. Over the break I found out what is the biggest problem with America and the best thing about Vegas. Road Beers. The ability to drink wherever the fuck you please is one of the greatest freedoms to be experienced. When I was in Mexico I don't think there was ever a time when I wasn't caring around a big bag of beers, leisurely drinking them without the authorities hassling me. People are so much happier when they are able to drink whist in public because, as we all know, alcohol numbs the pain that we all carry and keeps the voices in your head just a little bit quieter. This is why people go to Vegas. Sure they have gambling, phenomenal shows, dinning and shopping, not to mention fantastic strip clubs, but what they really have is pure American spirit. The freedom to drink where ever you please with the assurance of not being arrested. Maybe this is why it's so satisfying to drink in the car. Not while driving Jake. It's a way to defy the laws that bind us, while still getting to where you wanna go, and also feeling better about your self image when you get out of the car. Look for an initiative on the ballot this november for the legalization of Road Beers and the endless possibilities that Road Beers have to offer.


Hyper Crush - Keep up

Cascada vs Jeremiah -Dancefloor Sex (White Panda Mashup)

Dr. Hollywood - We Run LA (Dance Remix)

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