Ye Old Pilgrims - Jolly St. Nick

There seems to be an awkward down period between Thanksgiving and Christmas in which people pretend they aren't super psyched for Christmas because it's still only the 3rd of December so they don't want to let on too strong that they are really that excited. This is why I am proposing a new winter holiday system that begins with the week of Thanksgiving and ends with January 1st. The week of Thanksgiving will be known as the ceremonial week where everybody gets the four day weekend starting with the night before Thanksgiving. In years past it seems like someone I know gets so blackout wasted that it semi-ruins their Thanksgiving Day because they are too fucked up still to eat a real meal. Sure they may munch on a few carrots and celery sticks and maybe a dinner roll or two but everybody at the table is silently disgusted/laughing at the severe hangover that person has. The Friday after Thanksgiving usually includes some sort of major party because everybody is sick and tired of keeping it under wraps while drinking with their family, therefore this night is filled with further debauchery. Also this night may be your recovery night from Thanksgiving if you have a very little amount of values and you went to a casino and strip club on Thanksgiving with three of your buddies.
The week after Thanksgiving is usually followed by the annual Christmas Sweater party or for my Jewish followers, the "holiday party." Just wear sweater with snow flakes and stop quit your bitchin. Anyway, it seems that people get just as crazy for this type of party as they do for holidays such as Halloween. Maybe it's the goofy sweater and the feeling that you are in costume so nobody will recognize you. Add that along with multiple bottles of egg nog whiskey and mistletoe and you got yourself a good ol fashioned orgy. Remember, Santa knows if you've been good or bad so be good for goodness sake, or at least don't pee the bed.
The weeks between sweater party and the actual holiday of Christmas seems to be a down period except for the one night when everyone goes home to their respected cities and once again gets hammered drunk. But hell, it's the first time you've seen them since May so fuck it, let's get tanked. The worst part about this one though is that you have to go home to your parents house so it makes you look really bad cause all they see is that 1. you came home for Thanksgiving and got hammered and 2. you came home for Christmas and got hammered. "Is this what you live like in college?" The easy answer is, "Basically yes."


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Kid Cudi - Pursuit Of Happiness (Steve Aoki Dance Remix).mp3

Peaches - Trick or Treat (this song is only hear cause peaches is fucking ridiculous)

NINA SIMONE - FEELING GOOD (TROUBLEMAKER REMIX)




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Black Out

I awoke on the couch at 4:52 A.M. Not too sure what happened up to that point. Only one missed call, so apparently I was not needed in any dire situations. I've come to find that black outs are becoming more common and trendy in today's market. This is probably due to the lack of social skills people have come to acquire through the years of online, faceless, communication. This is also possibly due to cheap whiskey prices. The act of watching people blackout has become quite entertaining. Everybody has a different tell of how they are blacked out. These actions include loss of coordination, repetition of words, i.e. "I wanna go home,I wanna go home." "It's the top of the ninth with two outs, just hold on." The far spectrum of the black out stage is probably pissing your pants. This means you are so freaking wasted that you can't even get yourself up and even attempt to pee in the toilet. One example of the morning after pissing yourself conversation goes like this: ( names have been edited for anonymity, you know who you are) Scene, 7:00 a.m. Saturday morning, two men in one dorm bed: "--- why are you wearing my pants?" "Bro I'm not wearing your pants." "--- I just looked under the covers and you are totally wearing my pants, why do you have them on, moreover, how do you have them on? Those are 32 30s. Don't you wear 36s?" "... ya. I'm totally wearing your pants. I must have pissed in mine, they are probably in the shower." scene.Black out.

A sure tell of when someone is blacked out is the eye test. If someone looks like they have been drinking for eight hours as well as they have just smoked a gigantic crystal meth rock, they are probably blacked out.Glazed over eyes while you are speaking directly to their face is not a good sign of a coherent person. Also, if one eye is shut or one eye is able to drift into the corner of the eye socket while the other stares you down probably means that he or she is completely blacked out.
All of this is followed by the morning after the black out which may result in the worst day of your life. Take for example the Tijuana model. The two instances I have traveled to that dirty Mexican hell hole of a city, I have either been completely blacked out or damn near the darkest shade of brown you have ever seen, no racist pun intended. In the first case, the four of us were just young adolescent boys looking to get a titty or two in our faces. Little did we know that it would result in five strip clubs, the back refrigerator of a liquor store, and hours upon hours of taco eating and double tequila shots in front of what appeared to be some sort of club that had either been abandoned or was just the cover for an underground cocaine distribution center/ cock fighting and donkey show arena. Flash forward ten hours. Four adolescent boys waking up in a hotel room with absolutely no recollection of how the arrived at their destination. However, there is a strange picture of all of them in front of some sort of giant copper seal of the United States, which begs the question of "Who the fuck were we with and when did they take this picture?" The fact that I blacked out is not the concerning part. The scary part is that nobody remembers anything. We all lost four to eight hours of our lives because there was nobody there to recall any of the events of the last several hours. To top it off, the only place to eat breakfast when you are that close to Tijuana is the IHOP which requires that you have had at least two years of Spanish training prior to entering the building. Plus, you'll probably find Chase in the last stall in the bathroom vomiting up the single slice of toast that he ate, which is surprising because I was pretty sure that Jon and him puked everything out the night before.


Röyksopp - Tricky Tricky (Horror Shower Remix)

Shakira - She Wolf (Skeet Skeet's Dancefloor Dub)

Premeditated Felony Arson

I've been thinking about committing premeditated felony arson lately which has prompted me to construct a list of what targets to hit first. This list is in no way complete and I believe that it never will be because there will be many things in my life time which will be constantly added to this list. The reasons behind each burning may not seem relevant to everyone but for one reason or another they deserve to be burned to the ground. Some of the burnings may include people but in general the burnings serve as a mere warning to those who belong to said burnings. I'm not looking for manslaughter charges as well, just merely arson and if I can get away with it, all the better. Here is the beginning of the list in no particular order.


1. Where ever Ronald Emmerich works.
Ron is the director of such gems as Day After Tomorrow starring everybody's favorite brokeback star, Jake Gyllenhaal. Along with this he has also directed the movie Eight Legged Freaks with David Arquette and the tag line of the movie poster was Do you hate spiders? Do you really hate spiders? Well they don't like you either. Finally, this mastermind created the latest Hollywood blockbuster, 2012. Two words, and you probably know which two. Cheese Grater For those of you who don't or those who would like a definition here we go: Cheese grat-er [cheez][grey-ter] - noun - verb. One that grates, as an implement with sharp-edged slits and perforations on which to grate things. i.e. Penis. When I went to go see the movie 2012 not only did I get butter on my popcorn but also a sprinkling of freshly grated dick cheese.
The worst is that this guy actually made two of the greatest American movies of all time - The Patriot with Mel Gibson and Independence Day. Yes THE Independence Day. What happened to him? Did he forget how to make a successful movie? Did story lines really get that bad? Save your money. Buy matches and gasoline with it instead.

2. The guy who gave me a parking ticket on Friday the 13th.
Seriously? Are you serious? You know whats really unlucky on Friday the the 13th? Getting your fucking house burned down. The worst part about it was that by doing the math, my meter expired at 10:16 A.M. The ticket was written at 10:18 A.m. I returned to my car at 10:20 A.M. Seriously.
The argument can be made that he is just doing his job. However, the choice to become a meter attendant was a conscious decision made on behalf of a rational individual. Therefore, consciously this individual should understand the rational act of getting his house burned down because we both are performing rational actions. He is merely doing his job, I am merely burning all of his belongings. Makes sense to me.

3. This is just a general list of shit that pisses me off and may or may not be included on the final list of stuff to burn.
-Comcast
-The guy sitting in the library lobby and seemed to get irritated with me while i was talking to Pete but he had his headphones on and there was fifty other people talking
-KIA Souls
-People who are driving but seem to have no sense of direction or purpose. They are just driving to drive which would make sense if they were doing it on a nice day in the country but not at six at night in shitty weather.
-Poor search results on Google
-The designer of Orbitz packaging because I always lose about two pieces due to the fact that they stick to the very corners of the packs and then rip open somehow.


Anyway, this rant has quelled many of my urges to commit a crime. Feel free to comment on stuff you wanna burn down. I'll find something interesting to write about next week.

Ellie Goulding – Under The Sheets (Kids At The Bar Remix) - click to download from other site

The White Panda - Eminem Front - click to download from other site

Macklemore + Ryan Lewis - Otherside. Download - just gotta right click this sucker

Denver Drunk

In my travels I have found that there are many types of drunk. They range from drinking the second you get out of class cause you just failed your nine o'clock in the morning chem test, to the Sunday morning wake up and take a shot of whiskey before you head out to Outback Steakout and get smashed on Gold Coast 'ritas while waiting on your third loaf of bread. However, there is a certain drunk that trumps all of these. Denver Drunk. Denver drunk is achieved by getting absolutely blackout wasted every single time you go drink in Denver. Denver drunk is usually accompanied with drinking the entire drive down so as to not spend about three hundred dollars at the bars. There are also certain traits to a Denver drunk. First, you usually end up sleeping in some sort of situation that you would normally not be accustomed to. This includes, but is not limited to, apartment building hallways, stairwells, and the Denver Arts Center lobby. There is a simple correlation effect for this. The more exotic the location of your resting spot, the more Denver drunk you were. Second, Denver drunk usually results in some sort of loss of bodily fluid. Whether it's vomit, shit or blood, you're gonna lose something. I guarantee it. If it's not a fluid you're at least going to lose a little bit of self respect.


There are a few theories on why Denver drunk can be so destructive. My personal belief is that all inhibition is thrown to the wind mainly because you don't know anybody around you. You hang around with three friends for the entire night and that's it. Everybody else is a complete stranger and therefore you're allowed to act and behave like a total jackass. It's a different situation when you party in the place you live. People know you and therefore judge your every action. If you were to be Denver drunk where you live and go to class or work Monday morning, you will not get the same reaction if you were to go into a Village Inn on Colfax some Monday morning. The worst part about Denver drunk is that the entire process encourages itself. If you are allowed to behave like a jackass for an extended period of time, i.e. Denver drunk, while at the same time nobody is frowning upon your actions, then it gives the false sense of making it appropriate. At no point is it appropriate to sleep in the hallway of the Twenty One apartments across from Coors Field. At no time is it acceptable to pee on the roof of Jackson's Sports Bar and certainly not acceptable to break into the Denver Arts Center and sleep in the lobby. Basically, Denver drunk brings out the worst in people which probably is the reason why Denver drunk is so much fun. Denver Drunk. The decline of Western Society at its best.


The White Panda "What Lonely Girls Do" (Lil' Jon vs. Eminem vs. Oceanlab)

4,3,2,1 Care Bear Countdown

Once upon a time in Carealot,a great assembly of nine Care Bears took place. The leader was supposedly Tender Heart, although it would have been wiser if the bears would have been following a blind and deaf squirrel through a cave of shit. The rest of the bears were as follows: Cheer Bear was pissed. Someone must have eaten his fajitas. Friendship Bear ironically lost friends. Good Luck Bear did no such thing. Funshine Bear was a gloomy reminder of how not to act while Daydream Bear just kept on dreaming that someone actually cared about him. Keep dreaming bear. Surprise Bear was, SURPRISE! Hammered. Grumpy Bear couldn't have been happier to be wearing a little boys costume and Bedtime Bear was more along the lines of blacked out bear. The fellowship was set. The journey could begin.






Somehow, both kegs get cached right after the liquor stores close. The whiskey is gone and its on to the gin and tequila. Hell lets make it a Care Bear dance off.
I awoke to Good Luck bear on my floor. Friendship emerged sweaty and wet as usual. The couch was littered with parts and pieces of bears. Little bits of hearts and sunshines everywhere. Grumpy needed fifteen more minutes and was not happy that he had to drill in his doorknob the night before. Remember-to-grab-your-fucking-keys bear couldn't make it. Before embarking on their second journey, Grumpy Bear had to vomit. Again, it's starting to make more and more sense why he is so upset.





Later, while Friendship Bear continued to offend others, Grumpy made a new companion.





At the same time Funshine proceeded to go ahead and skate or die.



Careful Funshine, you wouldn't want to go and break your asshole. Care Bears only get one.



This part of the adventure...




Would eventually lead to this...




And later would become a straight up street brawl. The final battle between good vs evil. Grumpy and Bedtime vs a couple of street hoods.Douche Redsox fans at that. And who gives a shit if Grumpy may or may not have given the guy a cheap shot. You got dropped by a care bear bitch! Boom Pow Surprise! Bear.


In conclusion, the bears once again awoke with a startle. Blacking out had seemingly become a natural ritual for the Care Bears. Their new best friend was Evan Williams. Their bear suits smelled of old Keystone and ball gravy, but overall it was totally sweet. Mission successful.

Beat It (The Blisters Boyz Remix) – Michael Jackson download

A Monday Night Showdown

Chase farted. It was bad. The kind of bad that makes Jon put his sweatshirt burka on and still gag. The kind of bad that somehow requires three full sprays of glade cinnamon apple spray, which is much worse than the actual fart. I didn't realize that he had found time to eat that diaper he found on the beach.

Anyway,I've come to the realization that every person that goes to a bar is usually a douche. This includes myself and everyone that I go to the bars with. However, I think that's why the bars can be so much fun. They allow you the freedom to lose all inhibition for about four hours and as long as you don't crap your pants or go on a punching rampage down the middle of college anything else is relatively acceptable. I've watched three people I know throw up in the middle of a bar and nothing happens. A guy grabs a rag and wipes it off the floor and then turns and says "how many whiskey shots you want?" Halloween is coming up and that means that even the two general rules of bars are thrown out the window. In fact, you are encouraged to crap yourself because it will make a better story for the next year. "You remember last year when I crapped myself?" "Ya. That shit was everywhere. Literally." I would still refrain from punching random people in the mouth because unless you are going to drop three kids in a row while walking form east coast to steakout, you should probably just grab another shot and puke before you can make it to the bathroom.

Jams?     Jupiter One - Countdown (Designer Drugs remix)

Celine Dion is a Handsome Woman

At some point between Jake throwing up Friday and Justice singing Because you loved me, there were things that happened. New News: balloon boy a publicity stunt,papa falcon said so. More new news: the garage has a layer of highlighter and goo on it. Goo still to be determined. Old news: Jon farted again. In regards to the party however, three things surprised me. First, there were no massive sex orgies. Come on people, we're all friends. Second, Justice kept his pants on, highly surprising. Third, nobody had a black light induced seizure, here's looking at you Eric. Sunday was the worst I've felt since leaving Vegas for the first time. It was the feeling of you'd rather take a bullet to the back of your head than to actually try and live any longer. I felt as bad as Jake looked after throwing up for two hours, balmy and sweaty. I felt as bad as Justice looks in general. Hey Justice you know why I know you're gay? You have two Celine Dion songs on your computer. Worse than that, you know the words to those songs. Somehow worse than that, you sound pretty good when you sing them.


Chromeo - Night By Night

Balloon Boy

Ok. I was gonna let this one go but its gotten a little out of hand. Earlier in the day, Jack and I were working our balls off in the student center in front of the TV, whilst enjoying a 3 musketeers and mountain dew code red, which I haven't had since I left the dorms, and is also the best soda ever created. This was after we had been driving around listening to news reports about some kid who was in a run away balloon, spawning from Fort Collins. This news was so important that it was being covered by even 104.3 sports radio. Last time I checked, whenever there is an AmberAlert, ESPN doesn't have it scroll by on the bottom after it runs the latest results in the Sprint Cup finals. Two questions persisted at the time, 1. Why the shit is there a kid in a balloon? 2. Why the shit is Wolf Blitzer covering this? The balloon landed around 3:20 or so. Low and behold, no kid. THE SEARCH IS ON. I REPEAT, THE SEARCH IS ON. As it turns out, "'I was in the attic, and he scared me, because he yelled at me, that's why I went in the attic,' said Balloon Boy about his father, who had seen him lurking around the balloon earlier in the day." This brought up two more questions, 1. What if this kid had fallen out and just smashed his body on the ground? Which news channel is gonna find the mangled body of a six year old first? 2. Why the shit is Wolf Blitzer covering this? About fifteen minutes ago, Wolf Blitzer was filling in for Larry King for some reason, I guess he had the most experience with balloons. This time the entire family was reunited. Fuck me running these people are crazy. Mom - can't speak a dime of the king's English. Dad - looks like a really trashy Bill Pullman, while at the same time ruining the bowl cut for generations to come. Kids - well Bashful, Sleepy and Dopey are about the same amount of quality as their parents, Wolf couldn't even get little Falcon to say a few words for the camera. However, Falcon was able to put his head on the ground for a while and then sit up super fast and laugh at his mom who was crying, or what seemed to be crying, not really sure cause I don't understand crying in Chinese and/or Bull shit.

MP3: Calvin Harris – You Used To Hold Me

Aladdin (1992)

Chase just ran by and said that Aladdin was on channel 35. Only about four minutes in when they showed Jafar for the first time did I realize that he was batting for the other team. Driving on the wrong side of the road. Fanny bandit. Fruity bald guy, single well into his forties. The guys got a cape, enough said. Then Jon comes creeping around the corner in the dungeon that Aladdin gets tossed into. He's missing about the same amount of teeth that the guy at the Loveland Walmart was. Also, when was the last time anyone saw a fucking monkey in the middle of Iraq, they barely have goats for christ sake. I guess they needed a dynamic animal character to go along with the character of carpet. Is that really all they could come up with? How bout like "tassels"? or "fly-y"? I don't know something. One more critique of this awesome movie that defined so many of our childhoods. Genie comes out of the lamp and says that he's been in there for ten thousand years. Ten thousand years. Its the year 2009. I'm gonna put the age of Aladdin at somewhere around the year 700. This would put the creation of Genie somewhere during the 9th millennium BC. According to Wikipedia, around 9000 BC - "The first evidence of the keeping of sheep, in northern Iraq." This means I'm supposed to believe that the first people to domesticate sheep, which doesn't seem like that hard of a task, manufactured some sort of magical creature capable of granting any three wishes in the world. Bull shit Disney, do some god damn math next time you try to sell a movie to a bunch of nine year olds.



mp3: Kanye West vs Britney Spears - Touch 3 Skies (The White Panda Mash)

Jon just farted on me. Literally. It was so close that I could feel the wind on the top of my ear. Not many people know this but the couch in our living room is the origin of all pink eye cases. From there, the fecal matter is transported to thousands of people all around the world to give them pink eye. Granted this sounds like an absurd fact but it is in fact the truth. You might be asking yourself, "But what about the time in fifth grade when I ripped out half of my eye lashes trying to fucking open my eyes?" Two words - Green Couch. Again Jon shat on me. He then ran directly to the bathroom to wipe the poop running down his leg. Justice said that a blog is stupid and that it would be a bad idea but already I'm having a great time. I'm not sure if I'm going to include the happenings of this weekend or last night in this first week Anyway if I had to describe it in a short list of phases it would include - cell phone in vagina, drunkest boy in northern colorado, and drunkest sporting event since high school softball. Boom. First blog, fuck you justice.

Right click to download mp3s:
Notorious BIG – Party and Bullshit in the USA.mp3